Life, Updates, and other Sundry

Hello dear readers,

I know, I know.

Trust me.  Nothing you could say about the long lack of updates can make me feel any worse than I do right now.

Life has been pretty difficult lately.  It's been awesome and inspiring, but it's still been difficult.

I moved in with my best friend in July.

The month before that, I had such a bad depressive episode my old roommates straight up told me they were worried about me.

Somehow, I managed to squeak through for a while and then I failed a graduate school class last semester due to a case of the "I just can't."  This case of "I just can't" was due to my depression and anxiety hitting me with a double whammy.  I found it difficult to get out of bed and function.  Just thinking of getting in the shower was a little too much for me some days.  She let me blanket burrito on the couch, made sure I ate a bit, and just kept an eye on me.  My best friend has been incredible, and even took her home with me for the Thanksgiving holiday to allow me to recuperate, as I hadn't really been sleeping all that much.  I kind of existed on the couch day in to day out.

It was very much a "I am the blanket and the blanket is me" situation for a few weeks.  I took time off work because I had trouble focusing and holding things together there.  I did see my doctor, my therapist, and my psychiatrist to try and get things back on track.  I felt better with a plan in place for treatment, and I felt even better after talking to my school program and discovering that there were options for what I was going through.  I love my university.

A week away from home seemed to restore my spirits somewhat.  Her mom (whom I also call "Mom") was so very welcoming and it felt like I just belonged there.  I received a Kindle Fire, because mine had died a horrible death and Mom had replaced  the new Kindle Fire with a larger tablet.  I immediately put Minecraft back on my Kindle, and for the next few days, I played Minecraft while avoiding the bad thoughts. The answer to what I was doing became a default "Playing Minecraft" because I find Minecraft so relaxing.

Blackie the cat let me play with him for a while. He is a very selective feline.  Dad (my best friend's Dad, that is - whom I also call "Dad") just kind of let me be, kept asking if I was hungry, and watched TV with me and talked about how school was going and how life in Morgantown was treating me. Her brother made me biscuits and gravy in addition to making sure my guest room was all set up.  I love my other family so much for always welcoming me home.  This makes twice now I have retreated to southern West Virginia for recuperative purposes in my life.  Thanksgiving vacation was great, and I didn't want to come home.

Christmas passed by in my usual haze of "Oh how I hate the holidays" and too much food.  My car broke down right before Christmas (literally, December 23rd) and there was a bit of a fiasco with my rental car, but I got there and back safely at the end of it.  I am still on the lookout for a new car, and I haven't quite decided what kind of car I want yet. Price is key; everything else is extra.

 I am still working a full workweek, juggling schoolwork, and hanging out with the best friend.  I've had to start a new diet for my health, and boy oh boy, it's WORKING.  It's amazing.  I'm not hungry.  I have been hungry on every single diet out there, and now, the new diet my doctor (and nutritionist, and psychiatrist approved) has recommended is working.  I'm almost to the twenty pounds loss mark.  I go back for blood tests soon to ensure that the diet is doing what we want it to do, but as a weight loss tool, it's been incredible.

I know that you're all hoping for an update.  I want to work on the updates.  I just have to put school and work first at this point.  I have not abandoned them.  I'm just taking a fanfiction hiatus while I work on other things.  Soon, I will have free time again (taking a few semesters off before I finish the program), and then I will be all yours again.

Thanks for hanging in there, dear readers.  I will return to fanfiction soon.

Less Stressed and NOPE!

Things are finally starting to settle down. 

One of my evening classes is over and suddenly I have a free evening in my schedule.  I'm not entirely sure what I'll be doing.

Sleeping, maybe?

I don't know.

Sleep sounds awesome.

The other side (practical side) says that I'll have more time to dedicate to other things I should be doing. This all goes back to my post about Motivation, Frustration, and Exhaustion, as I'm pretty sure some of that is impacting my decision to avoid certain adult responsibilities.  These are the boring adult responsibilities that I've been having a bit of struggle with in recent weeks.  Organizing my closet.  Filing old bills.  Paying bills.  Weeding out books I'll never read again and giving them away/selling them.  Setting up that expense spreadsheet I've been meaning to set up. Re-organizing my room. Re-doing my budget.  I find them all boring. I don't want to.

When my brain states: "HEY!  LET'S DO THIS!" the other side of my brain goes:

Nope, nope, nope.  Don't want to.  Can't make me.

It's a struggle, I tell you.

If you have struggles like this, please share in the comments below.  I'd like to know I'm not alone in the whole motivation/adulthood nope-ness of avoidance.

Motivation, Frustration, and Exhaustion

Have you ever really, really wanted to do something, but find yourself unable to get started due to things beyond your control?

I'm having that issue.  There are so many things that I want to accomplish, projects to complete, and social obligations to attend that I find myself in a little bit of a dizzying whirl of "I don't have time!!!" and I end up doing nothing except completely giving up.

Yes, complete with slamming my head on my desk....just like that.

I wish I could blame this on something that was outside of my control, but I can't.  I'm just a crazy person that likes to do too many things at once.

I love the creative drive in my life, even though it takes over too much of my time.  When things become overwhelming, I decide to GET. ORGANIZED.

This is always a bad things, my friends.  As with everything else in my life, I take it a little bit to the extreme.

I get a new planner (which is like getting a new purse for other girls, really....it makes me extremely excited and giddy).

I rush home and frantically input information into it, gearing up for the just-out-of-reach dream that is adult responsibility.

There are baskets filled with objects and categorized in my closet.

My whiteboard is reorganized and redrawn with all of the new things I plan to accomplish.

I outline my writing, do some character mapping, draw a few timelines, and post everything where I can see it.

My desk is cleaned and organized, often with little labels of where everything is supposed to go.

I bullet journal everything I need to do in the next month and decide to start into my adventures.

Everything works well for a little while.  I am able to maintain the madness I have created for myself with little effort.  Chapters are planned.  Blog posts are outlined.  Bill payments are organized.  Workouts scheduled.  Home improvement projects pondered.  I am able to master it all for about three or four weeks.

Then, something happens. It doesn't matter what it is, really.  I may need to stop off at the grocery store and arrive home later than I mean to.  I may have an unexpected appointment with the doctor.  I get sick.  I double book myself.

It's all over.  My meticulous organization falls apart.  I forget to do something.  I procrastinate (one of my worst attributes, really).  I decide that watching the Big Bang Theory is more interesting than the projects I want to do.

What happens after that is usually a period of frantic catch up that leaves me looking a little like this:

Does anyone else experience such a phenomenon?

Or am I alone??

Emma's Crazy Busy Life

People often ask why it takes me so long to update.  My friends....it is a struggle.  My life has changed since the day I could sit disengaged in a classroom, ignoring my professor ramble on in a class I had to take as a requirement, but felt it had no impact on my future (turns out I was right....).

So, Emma's day in "adulthood":

5:00 AM - Wake up thanks to three different alarms. Walk around room shutting off all three alarms, decide I am wake, and get ready to hit the gym.

5:10 AM - Head out the door with a granola bar and a water bottle to the gym.  Work out.

5:45 AM - 6:00 AM -Arrive home from gym and hit the shower.  Get ready for work.  Fight hair into a style and end up staring at a ponytail yet again.

6:30 AM - Second breakfast of real food.

7:00 AM - 7:15 AM - Hit the door to head to work.

7:20 AM - Drop the sister off at her office.  Head to my downtown parking space.

7:30 AM - Arrive at parking spot.  Walk to office (half a mile...nice little walk).

7:40 AM - Arrive at office.  Open, arrange check in materials, turn on lights, and dance in the deserted halls.  (I like to be the first person in the office.)  :)

7:50 AM - 8:20 AM - Greet fellow co-workers as they arrive.  Fend off several offers of coffee.

8:20 AM - 11:00 AM - Various tasks ranging from website coding to scheduling meetings.  I am a jill of all trades in my office.

11:00 AM - 11:10 AM - Walk the therapy dog.  She's super cute and very lovable.

11:10 AM - 12:00 PM - Seek nutrition during lunch hour.  Write on any number of projects or my fanfiction.

12:00 PM - 4:45 PM - More work-related activities.

4:46 PM - Say good-bye to coworkers and head out the door to the car.  Pick up my sister from her office at 5:15 PM.  Arrive home at 5:30 PM.

Depending on the day of the week, I usually leave the house again within an hour of arriving home for: dance, teaching, translation work, or volunteer work.

Most evenings, I can be found holed up with my laptop working on websites, stories, or engaging in Wizard 101 (my latest obsession....).

Hey, even fanfiction writers need to relax.  :)

I want to return my adult card

I seriously don't want to be an adult anymore. 

If I'm not working, then I am learning something for work.  If I'm not learning something for work, I am cleaning my house. If I'm not cleaning my house, I am paying bills.  If I am not paying bills, then I am working out to fight weight gain and depression.  If I am not working out, then I am working.  If I'm not working, then I am learning something for work.

The vicious cycle continues.

I feel as though I have very little time to myself.  Yes, I still go to dance (as it is the only thing that keeps me sane these days) but everything else is starting to crowd in and stifle me.

It's that or my depression is actually seasonal, and if that's the case, I need some sunshine, stat. 

In honor of my rescinding adulthood, you can find me in my blanket fort with my crayons and coloring books.  You can join me if you bring Uncrustables (strawberry kind, please!) and some juice boxes.  I have the popcorn. ;)

Anyone else feel the same way?